It’s the most wonderful time of the year… and yet, this holiday season promises to be a different one. Festivities in general tend to bring out many deep seated emotions, ethical dilemmas, and family rifts, but perhaps this year in particular has many folks facing more arguments, hurt feelings, and differing expectations as to just how celebrations will (or will not) occur. Depending where you call home, many governments are calling for community restrictions on gatherings, from limits on group size, to the hard line being drawn of not mingling with anyone outside of your household. For some, this might be seen as a “get out of jail free card”, a legitimate reason for a safer, more quiet, reflective celebration. However, for many, the pressure of family and friends who find this swerve from tradition or celebrating apart to be one of great transgression. And with a snap of a finger, Santa’s more mischievous reindeer group of emotions are called to the forefront: “On Guilt, on Stress, on Anxiety, on Outraged, on Sadness, on Hesitant, on Blame, on Stuckness.” Aren’t holidays fun? Rest assured, that although this year has likely tested your patience, there is an opportunity here to learn some skills and shift into a place of groundedness, certainty, and peace. My favourite topic, say it with me now - “BOUNDARIES!”

Actually state your decision.

For a boundary to have even the smallest chance of success, it must be communicated clearly. Contrary to widespread assumption, our loved ones are not mind readers. They may also have differing opinions about how to handle the pandemic as well as distinct levels of comfort than yours. All the more reason to be transparent. If the idea of this gives you the heebeegeebees, know that this does not always come natural or easy. In fact, worrying about the reaction of others can dishearten even the most self-assured folks. However, knowing that we can’t please everyone, and that we are not responsible for the emotions of others, there is a way to soften a potential blow. You can attempt to moderate potential resistance by sharing how you can appreciate the boundary as being hard to hear. In practice, this can be communicated as, “I know you were looking forward to spending some quality time together.” This does not mean it will be accepted, but a little empathy can go a long way. On another note, just as the rules and regulations around COVID have shifted, so too can your comfort and choices. If you have previously confirmed a plan (“I’m okay with a small group gathering”), but have since changed your appraisal of the situation (“I am no longer comfortable meeting indoors”) that is okay! You are allowed to change your mind upon further reflection. State that this is the case, own your alteration, and take a breath!

Expect a variety of potential responses.

Sure you’ve heard it before - “Just say no!” But there’s a reason why boundary setting is often easier said than done. Fear of a negative reaction often drives down the possibility of a boundary attempt. In my therapy practice, I often hear things like, “What if they get angry? I’ll ruin the whole thing, and I don’t want to be THAT person,” “They will ridicule and judge me, and say I’m overreacting as usual,” or “It would take more effort to deal with the emotional backlash than just keeping quiet.” What’s important to note here is that you cannot always respect your own values, needs, and wants, while ensuring the other person comes out emotionally unscathed. This borders the land of people pleasing, which often denies the needs of the self and prioritizes the emotional regulation of the other. In fact, boundary setting often stirs up other people’s fears, anxieties, and insecurities, which often gets relayed through blame, guilt, anger, sadness, judgement, and the like. In case, dear reader, you are unfamiliar, this can look like, “But you’re ruining Christmas for the children!”, or “But I’ve already bought all the food for 20 people!”, or “I just knew you’d be the one to break up the family.” On the surface, these might appear as attempts to change your mind, a mere chess move towards togetherness and tradition. But in its purest form, it disregards your comfort and autonomy. Expecting this type of reaction as a possibility before you set the boundary will help you not feel as surprised if they don’t take it well. Know that you are not vehemently rejecting them by prioritizing your physical and mental health.

It’s okay to disengage if they don’t get it.

Rule number one of boundary setting: just because you set a boundary, does not mean it will be followed, understood or respected. Since the use of parameters in relationships can trigger insecurities in others, it is important to be clear on the goal of a boundary in the first place - to be transparent in your choices and assert your needs and wants. Neither one relies on your family or friends to “get it”. You are not required to over-explain yourself, or help them to feel better about your choice. Yes, it can definitely be disappointing if your in-laws pass judgement on the “type of parent you are” for not bringing over the grand-kids, and yes, it can feel sad knowing your bestie is having to spend the holidays alone. Let yourself feel your feelings, with the addition of self-compassion. A simple, “I did my best,” will suffice. Then let it go (as best as you can). Find gratitude and solace in the simplicity of your experience at home, be it going solo, with a partner, or the people you live with.

From my corner of the world, to yours. Happy Holidays and a joyous, healthy 2021.